Another Divorce in the Family

Ever feel like a group you belong to is your family?

I belong to a lot of different families: my literal family, my work family, my high-school-friends family, my old church family, my new church families, the Christian family, the Quaker family, the Northwest Yearly Meeting family.

It's heartbreaking to watch division grow; to watch a divorce in the making. I've witnessed this occur literally in my childhood and young adult life. It's a hardening of hearts. It's a lack of communication. It's whatever the exact opposite of reconciliation is. It's horrible. And it's not without consequence nor without collateral damage. And now I'm stuck in the middle of the same thing all over again at a larger, more abstract level in my Yearly Meeting.

A couple of things I've been reading this year have struck me as pertinent to the current situation in NWYM. In C. Wess Daniels' book, A Convergent Model of Renewal, he discusses a similar scenario in Indiana Yearly Meeting and this quote from a member there:

"My faith community is...in the midst of a great loss, a loss that has turned life upside down for many of us. My faith community decided that we have a problem and the only solution is to quit being a community, to quit working together, to quit worshiping together, and to end a 191 year relationship as a yearly meeting and fellowship of Friends....This problem changes my faith community for everyone." (Daniels, 2015) 

And when I substitute my family in NWYM into this quote, it becomes real:

My NWYM family is in the midst of a great loss, a loss that has turned life upside down for many of us. My family decided that we have a problem and the only solution is to quit being a community, to quit working together, to quit worshiping together, to end our relationship. This problem changes my family for everyone.

So let's call it what it is when families are disrupted, don't reconcile, and end a covenant: it's divorce. Now, maybe we're really in a separation because there are many voices rising up in a call for unity. But you know what? What if it's too late? What if the damage has been done? What if West Hills Friends doesn't even want to come back to this? Are we healthy enough to be in a relationship together? I'm hoping the voices popping up in response to this action will at least give West Hills the sense that  some of us are grieving with you, some of us embrace you...all of you, some of us can have hard conversations and stay united, and some of us will choose to be the kind of people who don't divide.

In my personal story, people pressured the elders at  Spokane Friends to ask my mom to leave after my parents' divorce. So we left. My mom, my brother, and myself. Rejected. All of us. Divorced from the only church family I had known. And we didn't come back for seven years. 

Even though it's a black mark in my testimony, I think I must not have had as much baggage from the separation as the rest of my family, so I was the first to return. I just wanted to reconnect with my Quaker identity and didn't give a damn who had asked whom to leave or how my decision would affect the rest of my family. I would blaze ahead anyway because I was not a Calvary Chapel type; I had strong convictions about my identity in Christ as a Quaker. Strong-willed daughters can shape an entire family, because the rest of my family followed suit within the year (and now even work as pastors in NWYM).

I'm growing my daughter to be the same, and I know that my own daughter will have things to say that will rock me to my core, that may change our entire family, and I'm looking forward to that. While reading about Growing Strong Daughters, I read this about our daughters' voices:

"Yet honest dialogue is difficult, because honest dialogue allows differences to remain unsettled. Our daughters may choose positions and views that we disagree with. In honest dialogue we continue to accept our daughters in spite of differences. In dishonest dialogue we make a pretense at listening and allowing for difference, but we really exert pressure for conformity by withholding acceptance as long as difference remains." (McMinn, 2000)

And when I substitute my family in NWYM into this quote, it becomes a call to something more:

Honest dialogue as a Yearly Meeting is difficult, because honest dialogue allows differences among us to remain unsettled. Churches and people among us may choose positions and views that we disagree with. In honest dialogue we continue to accept each other in spite of differences. 

I'm not for division. I'm not for quitting. I'm not for disunity. I'm not for conformity. I'm not for pretense. I'm not for divorce. I'm not for judgement. I'm not for exclusion. I'm not for separation. I'm not for "releasing."

I am for cohesiveness.
I am for engaging.
I am for unity.
I am for diversity.
I am for authentic dialogue.
I am for a covenant.
I am for grace.
I am for inclusion.
I am for wholeness.
I am for valuing our family.
And I will be nurturing this and only this in our family.

Query: How do you create space in your family for dialogue?

Daniels, C. W. (2015). A Convergent Model of Renewal: Remixing the Quaker tradition in a participatory culture (pp.167-168). Eugene, OR: Pickwick Publications.

McMinn, L. G. (2000). Growing Strong Daughters: Encouraging girls to become all they're meant to be (Rev. ed., p. 99). Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.

On Community: The essence of the Community Testimony of Friends is collectively seeking God in our lives. It is more than a belief; it is a commitment to action. As a community, we seek to know and live out the divine will. The Community Testimony demands unity and trust as a gathered people. To nurture community we learn to temper our individual understandings so we can unite with others in a larger experience. (Various sources)