The Little Soul in our home is testing boundaries. This boundary was about honesty. I remember when my godson was going through this with his mom years before now. I was childless at the time, but was considered a good source for behavioral advice through my years of experience teaching in public schools. I searched my Love & Logic books, headed over to disciplinehelp.com (back when it was a completely open resource), and reflected on the cause and effect in play when children lie. Not sure if any of that sunk in well enough to be dredged up in this spur of the moment need, because my quick response in my own situation was a Time Out and subsequent punishment.
As per usual, a quick response is not the best response.
So what do we do as Quaker parents trying to instill integrity in our Little Souls?
1) Consider motivation.
She lied to cover the matter being questioned, to improve her image. I know this. And I've seen it before with her. She gets embarrassed when she has little potty training accidents. So she lied to me about it. We absolutely do not punish these accidents in our home (she's four, they happen), but at the time I thought I needed to punish the lie. If I had taken a moment to consider why she was covering up, we might have had a better discussion about Integrity from the start.
2) Talk it out.
One of the things I like about how Time Outs work in our house, is that we do it all wrong. Time Out is a place of reflection; that we do right. When she is ready to leave is often determined by her, but since it is reflective time for both of us, sometimes I'm the one to say, "Not yet, I need more time." Often the little voice around the corner says, "I'm ready to talk about it," and we do. Many other discipline sites would say it's not lecturing time; they know why they're there and they've done their time...done. This is our chance, though, to talk about motivation, integrity, feelings, future expectations, reconnection, and that we love each other no matter what. This is how our relationship with God goes, so why not model it with our Little Souls?
3) Natural consequences v. Punishment
Consider the natural consequences that emerge from a lack of integrity. Even a four-year-old can understand that I may not trust what she says if she's not telling me the truth sometimes...that it makes me wonder if what she said is true or not, especially if it's the same topic she's lied about in the past. If I bring this to light when we're talking about consequences, and again as we are working on rebuilding trust about future situations, then we can restore integrity. If I mete out a punishment that's not really connected, which I did, that's all it is: crime and punishment. And the work that has been done all comes from me, not us, and definitely not the Little Soul who needs to be doing the work of figuring out integrity through this process.
4) Rebuild, restore.
We strongly believe in redemption. In our spiritual lives, in the world...so naturally we believe it's important in our home, too. It's literally thee most important aspect of the Big Story of Christianity. Now, how to make it part of this story...this is where things can seem a little corny, or forced, but for the age and stage we are dealing with, it's necessary. I have to speak overtly about pride and acceptance when she tries to rebuild our trust relationship. The Little Soul in our house is very verbal, so she will actually say things like, "Did you like how I told you the truth this time?" Which makes it very easy and obvious for us to see that she's trying to rebuild trust. It may take more work to recognize it in other families, but when you do, it's time to lay it on thick. "I love that you're telling the truth. It makes me so proud of you because sometimes it's hard to tell the truth," etc. This is how Little Souls see the actions of forgiveness and restoration.
Query: How does your understanding of humanity's relationship to God and each other play out in your family's discipline routines?
On Integrity: The essence of the Integrity Testimony of Friends is placing God at the center of our lives. It is more than a belief; it is a commitment to action. Personal integrity flows outward from an inward commitment to truth--being true to God, true to ourselves, and true to others. When we separate ourselves from the truth, we separate ourselves from God. (Various sources)
No comments:
Post a Comment