Another Divorce in the Family

Ever feel like a group you belong to is your family?

I belong to a lot of different families: my literal family, my work family, my high-school-friends family, my old church family, my new church families, the Christian family, the Quaker family, the Northwest Yearly Meeting family.

It's heartbreaking to watch division grow; to watch a divorce in the making. I've witnessed this occur literally in my childhood and young adult life. It's a hardening of hearts. It's a lack of communication. It's whatever the exact opposite of reconciliation is. It's horrible. And it's not without consequence nor without collateral damage. And now I'm stuck in the middle of the same thing all over again at a larger, more abstract level in my Yearly Meeting.

A couple of things I've been reading this year have struck me as pertinent to the current situation in NWYM. In C. Wess Daniels' book, A Convergent Model of Renewal, he discusses a similar scenario in Indiana Yearly Meeting and this quote from a member there:

"My faith community is...in the midst of a great loss, a loss that has turned life upside down for many of us. My faith community decided that we have a problem and the only solution is to quit being a community, to quit working together, to quit worshiping together, and to end a 191 year relationship as a yearly meeting and fellowship of Friends....This problem changes my faith community for everyone." (Daniels, 2015) 

And when I substitute my family in NWYM into this quote, it becomes real:

My NWYM family is in the midst of a great loss, a loss that has turned life upside down for many of us. My family decided that we have a problem and the only solution is to quit being a community, to quit working together, to quit worshiping together, to end our relationship. This problem changes my family for everyone.

So let's call it what it is when families are disrupted, don't reconcile, and end a covenant: it's divorce. Now, maybe we're really in a separation because there are many voices rising up in a call for unity. But you know what? What if it's too late? What if the damage has been done? What if West Hills Friends doesn't even want to come back to this? Are we healthy enough to be in a relationship together? I'm hoping the voices popping up in response to this action will at least give West Hills the sense that  some of us are grieving with you, some of us embrace you...all of you, some of us can have hard conversations and stay united, and some of us will choose to be the kind of people who don't divide.

In my personal story, people pressured the elders at  Spokane Friends to ask my mom to leave after my parents' divorce. So we left. My mom, my brother, and myself. Rejected. All of us. Divorced from the only church family I had known. And we didn't come back for seven years. 

Even though it's a black mark in my testimony, I think I must not have had as much baggage from the separation as the rest of my family, so I was the first to return. I just wanted to reconnect with my Quaker identity and didn't give a damn who had asked whom to leave or how my decision would affect the rest of my family. I would blaze ahead anyway because I was not a Calvary Chapel type; I had strong convictions about my identity in Christ as a Quaker. Strong-willed daughters can shape an entire family, because the rest of my family followed suit within the year (and now even work as pastors in NWYM).

I'm growing my daughter to be the same, and I know that my own daughter will have things to say that will rock me to my core, that may change our entire family, and I'm looking forward to that. While reading about Growing Strong Daughters, I read this about our daughters' voices:

"Yet honest dialogue is difficult, because honest dialogue allows differences to remain unsettled. Our daughters may choose positions and views that we disagree with. In honest dialogue we continue to accept our daughters in spite of differences. In dishonest dialogue we make a pretense at listening and allowing for difference, but we really exert pressure for conformity by withholding acceptance as long as difference remains." (McMinn, 2000)

And when I substitute my family in NWYM into this quote, it becomes a call to something more:

Honest dialogue as a Yearly Meeting is difficult, because honest dialogue allows differences among us to remain unsettled. Churches and people among us may choose positions and views that we disagree with. In honest dialogue we continue to accept each other in spite of differences. 

I'm not for division. I'm not for quitting. I'm not for disunity. I'm not for conformity. I'm not for pretense. I'm not for divorce. I'm not for judgement. I'm not for exclusion. I'm not for separation. I'm not for "releasing."

I am for cohesiveness.
I am for engaging.
I am for unity.
I am for diversity.
I am for authentic dialogue.
I am for a covenant.
I am for grace.
I am for inclusion.
I am for wholeness.
I am for valuing our family.
And I will be nurturing this and only this in our family.

Query: How do you create space in your family for dialogue?

Daniels, C. W. (2015). A Convergent Model of Renewal: Remixing the Quaker tradition in a participatory culture (pp.167-168). Eugene, OR: Pickwick Publications.

McMinn, L. G. (2000). Growing Strong Daughters: Encouraging girls to become all they're meant to be (Rev. ed., p. 99). Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.

On Community: The essence of the Community Testimony of Friends is collectively seeking God in our lives. It is more than a belief; it is a commitment to action. As a community, we seek to know and live out the divine will. The Community Testimony demands unity and trust as a gathered people. To nurture community we learn to temper our individual understandings so we can unite with others in a larger experience. (Various sources)

How We Deal with Overabundance

We have a lot of stuff. In general. As people. As Americans. As middle-class. Personally, we are now in that place in our lives that is oh-so-different from when we were first married 15ish years ago with a table, a loveseat, a mattress, a few pots and pans, and that's about it. And our current level of abundance has now spilled over to "kid stuff."
It's a dilemma for me, for sure.
It was recently brought to my attention by a babysitter who came over and announced, "She's got a lot of stuff."
"Can't tell we're Quakers who want to live simply, can you?" I asked.
And I've been thinking about it for weeks now.
Because it's an ethical issue for me.

I want to have less "stuff"; I believe in sharing resources and not taking more than I need.

Have you ever read Crash by Jerry Spinelli? One of the main characters in the story is a Quaker kid, Penn, and let me tell you...his parents do it "right." Because in one scene his friend comes over to play and wants to know where all his toys are. Penn just has a "wood, not even painted, old-looking, about ready for the junk heap" Conestoga wagon under his bed.
"So where's the rest?"
Now he was pulling the wagon in circles. "The rest of what?"
"Your toys."
He pointed to the wagon. "There it is."

Now that's a Quaker simplicity miles and miles beyond where I currently am. I'm going to tell you right now that there is a lot of nobility in that, but it will not ever be feasible at our house. There are several reasons for that: 1) our consumer-driven selves, 2) graciously gifting family and friends, 3) an abundance of second-hand opportunities, and 4) the single child household (with parents who would actually like to have time to themselves while said child is entertained once in a while).
So here are my reflections on how to tame "overabundance." Consider it a "To Do" list for myself that I just happen to be sharing with you:
Organize What I Already Have
You never know how much you have or "overly" have until you pull it all out of boxes and other hiding places and organize. A couple of my favorite decluttering challenges are the 40 Bags in 40 Days and the 30-Day Declutter (not that I've actually made it all the way through either one, but hey, it's a start). Knowing what we have helps us consume less, shows us what we can share with others, and helps us see excesses and give generously to others.
Buy Less
Easier said than done, but I know that I already have everything I need and more. One thing that helps me buy less is just not going to stores; I have a pretty direct route between work and home and I try not to veer off. Making lists when I do need to go out keeps me from wander-buying. And why not just ask for things we might want or need? We use a Buy Nothing group with the aim of not going out to buy as much while giving to others in our little niche of the world.
Accept Gifts Graciously (and then unburden myself later)
I learned this one from a mentor teacher as I started receiving little gifts from our students. She said she always accepted gifts as if they were the best thing she'd ever received, displayed them until the end of the school year, and then quietly gave them away/donated them later. We do the same with things we receive as a family. We consider our need, the needs of others, and the feelings of the "giver"...always.
Keep Pictures and Memories (not the items themselves)
This one is hard for me because my mom got rid of almost everything from my childhood. We didn't have many pictures, so I'm really just left with the memories. On the other side, my mother-in-law kept everything, and I mean everything. It kind of gives us a good guide for balance in what we keep for the Little Soul in our home...not too much, not too little--Goldilocks style.
Consider Usage
I love the little tips that float around the Internet like turning your hangers backward, forward as you wear something, and then getting rid of anything you haven't worn in a year. It's the kind of thing I consider as I'm decluttering a space. I recently reorganized our computer area/shelf, full of discs for who-knows-what purpose. After sticking each one into my drive, I now have a much smaller stack of actually usable material. I also consider those items I have hanging around for the "once a year" need. It may be time to give to someone who would use them more often and borrow when we need something.
Share Ownership
Portland area is notorious for this kind of thing: ever heard of a tool library? We've got 'em. How about a kitchen tool library? Yep, that too! We've got a toy library, a good ol' community book library, and even, oh Portland, a feminist literature library. We know people who pool money for houses, cars, meat, and even weird ingredients for natural deodorants, hand sanitizers, lotions, etc.
Re-sell
When you can, take care of items that you will only use for a short time, especially the way kids go through things. There are tons of avenues for making a few bucks while passing along things that have retained usefulness (and at resale prices, it should help the buyer save money, too).
Be generous:
Donate to a worthy cause
Hand-them-down to people you know
Re-gift when possible

Query: How do the things we have hinder or enhance our relationships with each other and with God?

On Simplicity: The essence of the Simplicity Testimony of Friends is placing God at the center of our lives. It is more than a belief; it is a commitment to action. Friends believe that a person's spiritual life and character are more important than what we own or our material worth. Quakers try to live lives in which activities and possessions do not get in the way of our connections with others and with God. Simplicity allows us to focus on what is most important.  (Various sources)

What I Did in the Face of a Lie

The Little Soul in our home is testing boundaries. This boundary was about honesty. I remember when my godson was going through this with his mom years before now. I was childless at the time, but was considered a good source for behavioral advice through my years of experience teaching in public schools. I searched my Love & Logic books, headed over to disciplinehelp.com (back when it was a completely open resource), and reflected on the cause and effect in play when children lie. Not sure if any of that sunk in well enough to be dredged up in this spur of the moment need, because my quick response in my own situation was a Time Out and subsequent punishment.

As per usual, a quick response is not the best response.

So what do we do as Quaker parents trying to instill integrity in our Little Souls?

1) Consider motivation.
She lied to cover the matter being questioned, to improve her image. I know this. And I've seen it before with her. She gets embarrassed when she has little potty training accidents. So she lied to me about it. We absolutely do not punish these accidents in our home (she's four, they happen), but at the time I thought I needed to punish the lie. If I had taken a moment to consider why she was covering up, we might have had a better discussion about Integrity from the start.

2) Talk it out.
One of the things I like about how Time Outs work in our house, is that we do it all wrong. Time Out is a place of reflection; that we do right. When she is ready to leave is often determined by her, but since it is reflective time for both of us, sometimes I'm the one to say, "Not yet, I need more time." Often the little voice around the corner says, "I'm ready to talk about it," and we do. Many other discipline sites would say it's not lecturing time; they know why they're there and they've done their time...done. This is our chance, though, to talk about motivation, integrity, feelings, future expectations, reconnection, and that we love each other no matter what. This is how our relationship with God goes, so why not model it with our Little Souls?

3) Natural consequences v. Punishment
Consider the natural consequences that emerge from a lack of integrity. Even a four-year-old can understand that I may not trust what she says if she's not telling me the truth sometimes...that it makes me wonder if what she said is true or not, especially if it's the same topic she's lied about in the past. If I bring this to light when we're talking about consequences, and again as we are working on rebuilding trust about future situations, then we can restore integrity. If I mete out a punishment that's not really connected, which I did, that's all it is: crime and punishment. And the work that has been done all comes from me, not us, and definitely not the Little Soul who needs to be doing the work of figuring out integrity through this process.

4) Rebuild, restore.
We strongly believe in redemption. In our spiritual lives, in the world...so naturally we believe it's important in our home, too. It's literally thee most important aspect of the Big Story of Christianity. Now, how to make it part of this story...this is where things can seem a little corny, or forced, but for the age and stage we are dealing with, it's necessary. I have to speak overtly about pride and acceptance when she tries to rebuild our trust relationship. The Little Soul in our house is very verbal, so she will actually say things like, "Did you like how I told you the truth this time?" Which makes it very easy and obvious for us to see that she's trying to rebuild trust. It may take more work to recognize it in other families, but when you do, it's time to lay it on thick. "I love that you're telling the truth. It makes me so proud of you because sometimes it's hard to tell the truth," etc. This is how Little Souls see the actions of forgiveness and restoration.

Query: How does your understanding of humanity's relationship to God and each other play out in your family's discipline routines? 


On Integrity: The essence of the Integrity Testimony of Friends is placing God at the center of our lives. It is more than a belief; it is a commitment to action. Personal integrity flows outward from an inward commitment to truth--being true to God, true to ourselves, and true to others. When we separate ourselves from the truth, we separate ourselves from God. (Various sources)

Two Paths Diverge

We are, at the core, philosophically opposed, I think.
Where you are a behaviorist, I am a constructivist.
Where you are conservative (holding things in), I am liberal (freely giving things).
Where you are the authority, I am a fellow learner.
Where you emphasize punishment and reward, I emphasize consequences and restoration.
I am about peace and simplicity and equality and service and seeking truth with a greater community.
And, of course, I think I'm right, and so do you. And these things rock us. And these things divide us. And when it was just me and a spouse, we could handle that. We could be outraged together about something said, something preached, something done in our faith community. We could debate with you for ourselves. But now there is a Little Soul involved. And I want her to be about peace, simplicity, all those things already mentioned, and above all, about love. And so I think we must take separate paths.
And I understand that this, too, can seem divisive. And I know this entire post could seem that way, but deep down, I need to align my core beliefs with my community of faith, and vice versa.
...lucky for us we are surrounded by Friends.

On Community: The essence of the Community Testimony of Friends is collectively seeking God in our lives. It is more than a belief; it is a commitment to action. As a community, we seek to know and live out the divine will. The Community Testimony demands unity and trust as a gathered people. To nurture community we learn to temper our individual understandings so we can unite with others in a larger experience. (Various sources)